Sunday, 18 June 2017
Alone with Nostalgia
Hello my lovelies,
This week's post is a bit different and more...raw and from the heart than I usually post. However it's something real, a part of my life that I can't deny. I apologise if this isn't something you want to read, but I will be back to posting crafty & book related posts next week.
As I sit here after spending the evening on my own, my thoughts begin to cross & scramble, reminding me of the danger of loneliness.
Now don't get me wrong, I do like spending time on my own, but not when I have no choice. With the majority of my family away, my solitary life screams and makes itself painfully known.
I used to have friends, or at least I thought I did. But it is on nights like this when I realise just how alone and friendless I am.
Unfortunately my 'friends' disappeared after I finished university, when I got sick, and after I had to leave my last job. No one wants a friend who can't go out to bars etc, or someone that is limited in their social life due to chronic illness, especially invisible illnesses they don't understand.
I normally rely on social media, especially Instagram, for my "social interaction", but a phone is not enough all the time. I quite literally have no one around me that I can meet up with for a coffee, or go to the cinema. I spend my time on my own, in my room, crafting and reading. Compared to 90% of people I lead a very, very boring life.
When I started to get sick, I not only lost my friends, I lost myself too.
I used to find it somewhat easy to make friends, to find a connection. Now, I don't know what to talk about, I don't have anything exciting to share.
I also find it hard, because personally I don't see why someone would want to be my friend or anything else. I drift through each day, waiting until I can go to sleep and try to start again the next day.
I found myself looking through old photos tonight, photos of a time when I knew who I was, my dreams and ambitions still possible. Surrounded by close friends, people I could chat to, spend time with, and feel happy around.
Sadly those days are gone, and try as I might I feel stuck, lost in nostalgia & wishing I could have dear friends around me again. But life is constantly throwing curveballs, knocking me over & making life just that bit harder.
With anxiety & depression my mind flits from one thing to another, worry is my constant companion, with the ever-present feeling of 'I'm not good enough' staying close by my side. I know that some people would say 'I'm sure that's not true', but as I sit on my own, seeing posts on social media about going here and there, surrounded by friends, it is rather hard to deny.
Life isn't bad, and I have a loving family that care, but sometimes I wish I could be like others, a normal 25 year old with friends around her, not just books & crafts.
Until next time,